%%
"My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to
live every moment of it. My life needs editing." --Mort Sahl
%%
"I made appearances at cocktail parties in Florida for $500 a pop, pretending
to be an old friend of the host." --Mickey Rooney
%%
"I wasn't driven to acting by an inner compulsion. I was running away from the
sporting goods business." --Paul Newman
%%
"I've never been a fan of personality-conflict burgers and identity-crisis
omelets with patchouli oil. I function very well on a diet that consists of
Chicken Catastrophe and Eggs Overwhelming and a tall, cool Janitor-in-a-Drum.
I like to walk out of a restaurant with enough gas to open a Mobil station."
--Tom Waits
%%
"For some reason, mothers with nursing babies liked to sit down front near the
piano. Maybe they thought that music was a nice, soothing accompaniment to
breast feeding. Anyway, I used to have fun with them. In the middle of a quiet
scene I'd suddenly whack the hell out of a chord, just to watch the nipples
snap out of the babies' mouths." --Harpo Marx
%%
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." --Mark Twain
%%
"I can't stand light. I hate weather. My idea of heaven is moving from one
smoke-filled room to another." --Peter O'Toole
%%
"I think nudity on the stage is disgusting, shameful and unpatriotic. But if I
were twenty-two with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic
and a progressive, religious experience." --Shelley Winters
%%
"I'm at the point where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact,
I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." --Rodney Dangerfield
%%
"I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me."
--Noel Coward
%%
"It's not the most intellectual job in the world, but I do have to know the
letters." --Vanna White
%%
"I have enough fruitcakes in my freezer to enlarge my patio." --Erma Bombeck
%%
"I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we
didn't wear fur coats those little animals would never have been born. So is
it better not to have been born or to have lived for a year or two to have
been turned into a fur coat? I don't know." --Barbie Benton
%%
"Early in my career I was in my dressing room making up. Suddenly I turned
around and there was this totally naked woman. `What's the matter, dahling,'
Tallulah Bankhead said. `Haven't you ever seen a blonde before?'" --Donald
Sutherland
%%
"If you start throwing hedgehogs under me I shall throw two porcupines under
you." --Nikita Krushchev
%%
"I was fired from my job at a Howard Johnson's when somebody asked me the ice
cream flavor of the week and I said `Chicken.'" --Mike Nichols
%%
"I have always hated that damn James Bond. I'd like to kill him." --Sean
Connery
%%
"My acting range? Left eyebrow raised, right eyebrow raised." --Roger Moore
%%
"I'll balance a dog biscuit on my nose if it causes enough people to tune us
in." --Ted Koppel
%%
"At the moment, we are subsumed in the vortex of criticality." --Alexander
Haig, then Secretary of State
%%
"Even if he were mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and
lawyers. Don't *they* deserve some representation on the court?" --Senator
Roman Hruska (R-Neb.), defending Judge Harold Carswell, the first Nixon
nominee for the Supreme Court, against charges that he was mediocre
%%
"...when floors are wet and slippery with manure, you can have a bad fall."
--from the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration's booklet,
"Safety with Beef Cattle," 1976
%%
"Replacing battery: Replace the old battery with a new one." --directions for
a mosquito repeller, reported in _Far Eastern Economic Review_
%%
"It would be a good thing to take your bankbook to the fallout shelter with
you." --Federal Reserve System suggestion
%%
"I've lived under situations where every decent man declared war first and
I've lived under situations where you don't declare war. We've been flexible
enough to kill people without declaring war." --Lewis B. Hershey, Lieutenant
General and director of the Selective Service System, on the Vietnam War
%%
"You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if it isn't
enough, in the second half you give what's left." --Yogi Berra
%%
"I'm not a fighter. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being
pushed by two guys." --Woody Allen
%%
"But let me--I better switch over here for some more--and may I--a question--
and I don't mean to offend with regard to follow-up--and I understand why you
had them, but we've been reduced to the number of questions we get to ask when
everybody has a follow-up. So ask them both at once." --President Ronald
Reagan during a 1984 press conference
%%
"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!" --Ralph Kiner,
announcer for the New York Mets
%%
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them
off." --Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the
Air Force nearly $1,000 for a pair of pliers
%%
"Get the thing straight once and for all. The policeman isn't there to create
disorder. The policeman is there to preserve disorder." --Richard Daley, mayor
of Chicago
%%
Yogi Berra (during a 20 Questions game):
    Is he living?
Teammate:
    Yes.
Yogi:
    Is he living now?
%%
"If American Evangelical Christians had written the Bible, it would be ten
pages long, on hot-pink paper, with scratch-'n-sniffs." --Frankay Schaeffer,
theologian
%%
"I want to hear it so quiet we can hear a mouse dropping." --Gregory Ratoff
%%
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing
for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
%%
"The U.S. Navy urgently needs modern musicians." --Michael Dukakis, 1988
presidential candidate, during a campaign speech. He meant munitions.
%%
"I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them five years." --Samuel
Goldwyn
%%
"The president is aware of what is going on. That's not to say that there is
something going on." --Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard
Nixon, on a rumor that allied forces were attacking across the Laotian border
%%
"I grew a beard for Nero, in _Quo Vadis_, but Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer thought it
didn't look real, so I had to wear a false one." --Peter Ustinov
%%
"I am a typed director. If I made _Cinderella_, the audience would immediately
be looking for a body in the coach." --Alfred Hitchcock
%%
"I don't do Shakespeare. I don't talk in that kind of broken English." --Mr. T
%%
"I actually enjoyed weapons training. I had the eyes to be good at firing the
.303 rifle, but not the hands. Yet I relished being instructed on it. And the
Bren was such a perfect machine that there was an avid competition to special-
ize. I never got to the stage of wanting to sleep with one, but I must admit
that there were times when, as I eyed the Bren's sleek lines, I discovered in
myself a strong urge to fiddle with its gas-escape regulator." --Clive James
%%
"Lawrence [Welk] was not known as the hippest show around. But when nobody was
home, I'd tune in." --Gregory Hines
%%
"I go for tough, uncommunicative guys who ride motorcycles." --Ally Sheedy
%%
I completed the course work for the M.A. but did not finish my thesis because
I found something better to do. I spent the entire spring semester writing
stories for the true confessions magazines. After turning out footnoted reams
on such pressing topics as the annexation of Schleswig-Holstein and the reign
of Pippin the Short, I got five cents a word for "I Committed Adultery in a
Diabetic Coma" and it felt *great*. I had thrown off the vague guilt of the
welfare scholar and become a productive member of society at last." --Florence
King
%%
"I... go to McDonald's and Burger King on occasion. What else are you going to
do when you're on the road and you have to dash in for some food? They are
pretty good; they're clean, and you know what you're getting. I don't know why
anyone would think I always dine on hummingbirds' tongues or something."
--Julia Child
%%
"Smoking is, if not my life, then at least my hobby. I love to smoke. Smoking
is fun. Smoking is cool. Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point
of being an adult." --Fran Lebowitz
%%
"I used to smoke two packs a day and I just hate being a nonsmoker.... But I
will never consider myself a nonsmoker. Because I always find smokers the most
interesting people at the table." --Michelle Pfeiffer
%%
"It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain
when awake." --Mark Twain
%%
"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold onto
something." --George Burns
%%
"I started smoking during the war. I have kept it up ever since. It keeps me
healthy." --Marlene Dietrich
%%
"I once spray-painted the back of the replica of Rodin's *The Thinker* in
front of the Detroit Art Museum with these provocative words: `WHAT'S THIS PIG
THINKING ABOUT? THE TIME FOR REVOLUTION IS NOW!'" --Andrei Codrescu
%%
"I have only read one book in my life, and that is _White Fang_. It's so
frightfully good I've never bothered to read another." --Nancy Mitford
%%
"I'm originally from Iowa. It took a long time for me to realize we were free
to go." --Jake Johannsen
%%
"Perseverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages." --George
Washington, writing in a letter during the bleak early days of the
Revolutionary War
%%